Dear Dad...(an open letter)

Dear Dad,

It's been seven years since God took you home, but I wanted to write you this letter, and let you know how things have been going.

First, I miss you.  I never realized how HARD it was to be a parent sometimes.  Or a spouse.  But I wouldn't change one minute of it.  As much as you and mom had your problems, I know neither of you stopped loving me, or Bill or Lisa.  Thank you for being my Dad.  I am more like you than I realize, I think!  I hear things coming out of my mouth that sound like you...!

Adam is such a good boy.  You would enjoy him so much.  He's so smart, and caring, and loves being a kid.  We tell him about you.  He's 7 now, of course, and in first grade.  You'd be amazed at the things he knows, and says.  Everyone says he looks a lot like me.  Hopefully that's a good thing.

Lisa and I are having a rough time right now though.  Not in our marriage - don't worry about that.

After you left us, I started eating right, and exercising, and I lost 150 pounds.  I started running, and even ran a full marathon!  But over the last year or so Dad, I have been easily fatigued and I couldn't run anymore.  I had been training for another marathon 2 Septembers ago, and I just couldn't finish a short training run.  I did end up finishing a half-marathon, but after that, I just took a break from running for a few months.  When we started up our Spring session of Run for God, I thought maybe I could get back in, but I still had the weakness, dizziness, and fatigue issues.  I chalked it up to gaining a little weight and not running very much.

Well, a little before Halloween this year I started having back pain, and I thought maybe I had just strained something.  It didn't go away, so I just took tylenol, and ibuprofen to get through the days.  Eventually I started feeling some abdominal pain, and again, I thought I just had tweaked something enough that the muscles in my back were effecting my front.

Well, last Tuesday, a week ago now, I had so much pain, I decided I needed to get in to a doctor.  I ended up getting X-Rays, and Ultrasound (no I'm not pregnant), and a CT scan.

Yesterday Lisa and I met with our doctor.  She says I have some "concerning masses" in my liver and colon.  She said my lymph nodes were abnormal, and that my Red Blood Cell count was too low, and I was anemic.  I have a call in to the oncologists in the area (which are some of the best), and am awaiting their call for an appointment.  Until then, we don't have a course of action, other than some pain meds so I can sleep, and to take iron so my count comes up.

Dad...I'm scared.  Not for me, really, but for my family.  I want to be able to take care of them, and still provide for them.  I want to still be able to perform at my job, and fulfill my responsibilities.  I don't want to burden anyone with anything that I have to go through.

I can't help but think that a lot of the same things went through your head, Dad.  Even through everything, you seemed so strong.  How did you do it?

I have a great support network here, Dad.  Lisa has already told me we are going to accept help when offered.  I guess I should listen!  Our pastor, Randy, sat with us last night and talked, and shared, and prayed with us.  Everyone we know has offered help with whatever is needed.  Makes me wonder if I can get them to do some projects for me!

At any rate, it's concert week for me at school.  Though I am home today, my first thought is not for myself - I need to get my students through this first concert of the year, and after that, I will worry about what my plan is.

That's really it for now, Dad.  Like I said, I miss you.  I could really use your voice and guidance right now.  

Wayne