Not for the faint of heart...

So.  It's been a about a week and a half since my diagnosis.  I still have a hard time saying the word.  Cancer.

It's not that I am afraid of it really.  It's more like I am upset with it changing my life around.  My best friends would tell you I'm stubborn, and they would be right.  I don't want to give up the things I do, and like doing.  I may have said that before, but nothing wrong with saying it again!

Things are moving quickly.  So here's the stuff that's not for the faint of heart (it's not horrible, but some people don't like hearing some of this).  Some updates of how things have gone.

Since the diagnosis, I have had a blood transfusion because I am anemic.  I also had a colonoscopy.  I do have blockage in my colon, so I am limiting my diet to liquid and mostly soft foods.  That means homemade or store bought shakes and smoothies, very tender meats and veggies, soups, puddings, and Italian ice.  People have been bringing meals, setup by a dear friend, and it has been a blessing.  Some of my hospital/doctor visits have been longer than expected, and it has been nice not to have to come home and worry about dinner!  I still enjoy some regular foods, but I chew longer, and take colace to help keep things...um...soft.

4 days after the diagnosis, I had a mediport put in.  I did mention that in my last post.  The surgery for that went well, and I now tell people I am bionic!   It's pretty cool, in a way.  Instead of getting an IV every time, they can administer right through the port (which is just under the skin, and sewn onto my muscle in my right chest), and draw blood too.  The little poke of the access needle is way better than the IV.

My first chemo treatment was 2 days before Christmas (a Monday).  I go to the infusion center, where they do bloodwork before they access my port, and run the chemotherapy drugs for about 2 hours.  After that a nurse hooks me up to my portable pump (and a stylish fanny pack to go with it), which I then wear for 46 hours.  However, when they did my bloodwork, they wanted to set me up for another transfusion, as my counts were pretty low.  It wasn't anything to worry about before the chemo, so they set that up for Thursday, after Christmas.

Tuesday, Christmas Eve, wasn't bad, but I was starting to feel a lot of back and abdominal pain.  The Tylenol, and the pain meds I was prescribed, weren't cutting it.  I made it through the Christmas Eve service at church, but had to bow out of a Christmas Eve get together at a friends house.  It was getting worse. I didn't sleep at all that night, but unfortunately not because I was excited about Christmas morning.

The next day, Christmas, was the day that another nurse was to come and de-access my pump (they are trained in the whole sterile procedure).  Adam had a good morning, but for me, the pain, and nausea now, was getting worse.  Those are side effects of the chemo, but I didn't think it was going to get that bad.  They hadn't given me any anti-nausea meds for home, so I was just trying to power through it.  I didn't eat or drink anything all day.  The visiting nurse tried to reach the doctors on call, but couldn't work out a way for me to get a prescription for any stronger pain or nausea meds.  So, I made it through the day, and my sister in law brought Christmas to us, since we hadn't been able to travel to their house that day.  I was grateful that she brought food, but when Lisa went to eat some of it, it was all I could do to not vomit from the smell.  And not many smells bother me.

So I made it through the night, not sleeping much again, but at least being de-accessed gave me some relief.  At the cancer center the next day, we told them about the pain and nausea, and during my stay they were able to give me some nausea meds via my port, and a scrip to get some for home in tablet form.  They also gave me some pain meds via the port, and upped what I could take at home, and between that, the blood transfusion, and a liter of saline, I felt no pain, and better than I had in weeks.  Lisa got me a cheeseburger from the hospital café, and I ate that, along with some apple juice and a small diet soda.  I felt so good being able to eat!

Unfortunately, on the ride home, the cheeseburger decided to make another appearance!  I guess I had just overloaded my system a bit.  But after getting home, I still felt better, and was able to stomach some great turkey soup from a friend, along with some jello.  That stayed down.  However, I then had to fast starting at midnight, because the next day, Friday (today as I write this), I was to have an endoscopy, so they could "clear" that area as the origin of the cancer.  Thankfully, I was able to sleep, so that wasn't too hard!

So today, the endoscopy went well, and there are no signs of the cancer in my esophagus or stomach!  A friend of Lisa's went with us, for support.  I don't remember much between the time they sedated me and waking up in the recovery, other than a little bit of gagging!  But afterwards (and before), the nurses and staff were awesome.  After we left, we took our friend to lunch at Wegmans (I love Wegmans...), and then headed home.  When we arrived to drop off the friend, her husband had a cancer-fighting soup ready for us to take home - along with some bacon to enjoy with it!

So far our medical experiences (other than the reason for being there) have been awesome.  I am so happy with the Doctors we are working with, and I'd like to think my attitude has something to do with it.  

Though I am always honest, I don't find shame or sadness in my predicament.  I think that sometimes I surprise the nurses, or doctors, with my positive attitude.  Good will come of this, somehow, even if it's by the way of other people finding a way to serve others.  Not that I am asking to be served - but if God uses this that way, then Hallelujah!  We have been so blessed by the people around us, in the community, in the school, and especially in our church.  And we still want to turn around and spread that love to others.  It's how it should be.

So, the next week should be pretty "normal," I hope.  No appointments for me, no procedures, and no commitments - other than the things I want to get done for home and school, of course!  My body needs to recuperate before the next treatment - which I am hoping I can stay on top of the pain and nausea, now that I know how it's going to hit me.  I have to take more iron, and try to keep all my Nutritionals up, as the chemo will do weird things to my digestive system too.  I won't even begin to list all the stuff I am taking!

At any rate, if you made it this far, thanks for reading!  I ask that you keep us in your prayers - despite my attitude, this isn't an easy time.  There will still be challenges for us, and I thank you all in advance for the support and help you give.  But again - don't be sad for me; don't tell me you're sorry.  Just love me, however that works for you.  I restate my own mission statement during this time...

God is good.

I will be healed.

I will run again.

Truth.

I love you all.

The new normal...for now.

I am really hoping that soon I will be able to have a "new normal."  The past two weeks have been filled with tests or procedures, most often scheduled at a moments notice.  The last step before new normal, I think, we will be getting my Mediport.  After that, it seems like I will be on a two week "schedule" of chemotherapy.  The new normal.

The new normal will include wearing a pump for 46 hours, to get the rest of the meds after the initial office-visit dose.

The new normal will include me being an advocate for "getting yourself checked the heck out" when you are sick.  Don't expect me to sit back and watch you get worse.

The new normal will include me being a witness to God's love; I want to tell people about my relationship with Christ.

The new normal may mean me getting rides from different folks.  Maybe witnessing to them.

In the meantime...

I will not lie to you.  If you ask me how I'm doing - be prepared for an honest answer.
I will keep teaching; and learning; and playing when I can.  Music is God's gift to me.  He will use it to lift me up, and use me to glorify him with my talent.
I am still me.  Please treat me that way.  I am not a debilitated, withering soul.

I also don't want you, readers, to say...

"I'm sorry."  Because I may ask you what you did to cause my cancer.  Don't be sorry.
"How awful."  Maybe.  But I don't want negativity around me.
"Why you?"  W e l l . . . if not me, then who would you wish it on?
"Cancer sucks."  Maybe.  But I don't want negativity around me.
(I think you get the picture).

Those things may be true to you, but I am refusing to look at it that way.  Am I in pain?  Yes.  Am I scared.  A little.  I understand you all cope with these things in different ways.  But I am using it to God's glory, somehow.

Maybe God will use this situation (and note, he didn't cause it.  NO ONE DID!) so that I could be blessed by others.  Maybe so that others could step forward and use their gifts and talents to help me, and my family.  Maybe God will use me to bolster someone else, or witness to my doctors and nurses and aides and phlebotomists and secretaries and...you get the idea.

Right now, I am believing in four truths.

God is Good.
I will be healed.
I.  Will.  Run.  Again.
Truth:

When Jesus was about to be captured, tortured, and crucified, he prayed to God  He was scared, I imagine - despite being God, he came to us as man, and knew men's fears and trials.  

Luke 22: 41-42:
He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”

By the way, my oncologist said I can be as normal as possible when it comes to physical activity:

O: "You can get out and walk, and be active.  I mean, I wouldn't run any marathons any time soon..."
Me:  "I'll take that as a challenge."

The new normal.

And the winner is...

Colon cancer.  Traveled to liver and lymph nodes.

Yep.  Somehow I knew.  But I am at peace.

The process from here?

Today I am getting a blood transfusion to deal with the anemic symptoms I've been having (dizziness, short of breath, fatigue, mostly when exerting myself running, lifting, etc).

Sometime in the next two days I will have a colonoscopy, and meet with a surgeon who will be putting in a Mediport.  The Mediport will be in by the end of the week, and will be how I receive chemotherapy meds.

Chemotherapy will start next week.  I get infused in a hospital, and then wear a pump for 46 hours.  This will happen every 2 weeks, until such time that they feel they must change course, either with different drugs, or surgery.

I am thankful that the first round will happen over Christmas vacation. That may mean that I am tired at Christmas, but I can deal with that.  

Just from the appointment today, I have a better peace, knowing what's going on.  I really have a good feeling about our doctor, and the things that she had to say today.

Over the next few weeks months or years, I may be asking for rides and help. I already know that you all are saying yes.

This is still a scary time for us, but thank you for all of your prayers, well wishes, and words of support.  We are still praying for a miracle, and for God's will to be done in our lives.

Dear Dad...(an open letter)

Dear Dad,

It's been seven years since God took you home, but I wanted to write you this letter, and let you know how things have been going.

First, I miss you.  I never realized how HARD it was to be a parent sometimes.  Or a spouse.  But I wouldn't change one minute of it.  As much as you and mom had your problems, I know neither of you stopped loving me, or Bill or Lisa.  Thank you for being my Dad.  I am more like you than I realize, I think!  I hear things coming out of my mouth that sound like you...!

Adam is such a good boy.  You would enjoy him so much.  He's so smart, and caring, and loves being a kid.  We tell him about you.  He's 7 now, of course, and in first grade.  You'd be amazed at the things he knows, and says.  Everyone says he looks a lot like me.  Hopefully that's a good thing.

Lisa and I are having a rough time right now though.  Not in our marriage - don't worry about that.

After you left us, I started eating right, and exercising, and I lost 150 pounds.  I started running, and even ran a full marathon!  But over the last year or so Dad, I have been easily fatigued and I couldn't run anymore.  I had been training for another marathon 2 Septembers ago, and I just couldn't finish a short training run.  I did end up finishing a half-marathon, but after that, I just took a break from running for a few months.  When we started up our Spring session of Run for God, I thought maybe I could get back in, but I still had the weakness, dizziness, and fatigue issues.  I chalked it up to gaining a little weight and not running very much.

Well, a little before Halloween this year I started having back pain, and I thought maybe I had just strained something.  It didn't go away, so I just took tylenol, and ibuprofen to get through the days.  Eventually I started feeling some abdominal pain, and again, I thought I just had tweaked something enough that the muscles in my back were effecting my front.

Well, last Tuesday, a week ago now, I had so much pain, I decided I needed to get in to a doctor.  I ended up getting X-Rays, and Ultrasound (no I'm not pregnant), and a CT scan.

Yesterday Lisa and I met with our doctor.  She says I have some "concerning masses" in my liver and colon.  She said my lymph nodes were abnormal, and that my Red Blood Cell count was too low, and I was anemic.  I have a call in to the oncologists in the area (which are some of the best), and am awaiting their call for an appointment.  Until then, we don't have a course of action, other than some pain meds so I can sleep, and to take iron so my count comes up.

Dad...I'm scared.  Not for me, really, but for my family.  I want to be able to take care of them, and still provide for them.  I want to still be able to perform at my job, and fulfill my responsibilities.  I don't want to burden anyone with anything that I have to go through.

I can't help but think that a lot of the same things went through your head, Dad.  Even through everything, you seemed so strong.  How did you do it?

I have a great support network here, Dad.  Lisa has already told me we are going to accept help when offered.  I guess I should listen!  Our pastor, Randy, sat with us last night and talked, and shared, and prayed with us.  Everyone we know has offered help with whatever is needed.  Makes me wonder if I can get them to do some projects for me!

At any rate, it's concert week for me at school.  Though I am home today, my first thought is not for myself - I need to get my students through this first concert of the year, and after that, I will worry about what my plan is.

That's really it for now, Dad.  Like I said, I miss you.  I could really use your voice and guidance right now.  

Wayne

Perfect timing...

Sometimes we want things to happen in OUR time frame.  Hah!  Little good that does us.

Two Septembers ago, I had some kind if sudden onset of fatigue while I was doing a short run in marathon training.  I cut the run, and the marathon training short. I did however, continue to do a half marathon that September. After that, I cut my running significantly. When we started our next Run for God program the following March, I felt very fatigued, out of breath, dizzy, and could not keep up.

The last two months or so, I've been having a lot of back and abdominal pain.  After a particularly bad day on Tuesday, I decided to call the doctor and get an appointment.  They ordered an ultrasound, and an x-ray, and bloodwork.

Now mind you, it's concert time for me. I have a concert next week, and would hate to miss any part of it, for anything.   I don't like being absent at my job, and I don't like missing the things that I feel like I need to do.  Plus, whenever anything medical comes up, all I can see are $'s.

I received a call shortly after my ultrasound yesterday, to discuss the results with my doctor.  It turns out that I have an enlarged liver, and they don't know the reason...yet.

So now I await the call to set up a CT scan, hopefully today.  I'm fasting, just in case I need to do that.  Man, I'm hungry.

Perfect timing, Huh?  I know there are people that can and will help if needed, but it's not like I am incapacitated.  In fact I feel better today than I have in a while.

Somehow, I am remaining the calm one.

Hepatitis.  Fatty liver Disease.  Those seem to be the most common.  I'm not a heavy drinker (or a drinker at all, really).  What gets me is I feel like I may have done this to myself.

I have been known to binge eat.  Introducing sugars into my body in large quantities.  That happened occasionally over the last few months.

Also - when I started feeling this fatigue, dizziness, and weakness in March, I thought maybe I had an iron deficiency.  So I started taking some iron.  Not every day, but often.  What if doing either of those things brought this on?  Then I only have myself to blame.

Which is perhaps why I'm calm.  I can't get upset at anyone else.  I know God wouldn't do this to me.  But somehow, he'll use me, and my situation, for good.  Even if it's changing my own habits for the better...again.

I know one thing.  It's not my timing.  God has perfect timing, and he will set me up to do what needs to be done at just the right moment.

People have asked what they can do for me (us) already.  Again - I'm not incapacitated.  If I need help, I won't be afraid to ask.  But if you are reading this, friends, and you pray, please pray....

That Lisa and Adam are comforted.  That we and the doctors can make the right decisions, and that I can be used to show the glory of God, even through pain, and hardship.  That I make it less about me, and more about others.

And friends, and family...if you are just hearing about this, it's because I just found out.  If you want to call or text, send me a message somehow, and I'll give you my number.   

There's nothing like a Browns fan...I think...

Columbus Day weekend.  We planned a trip to Cleveland, OH.  Far enough away to feel like a vacation, but not so far as to feel like a whirlwind trip.  We got a good deal on a hotel (which, we haven't stayed in a hotel for vacation in 4 years), and planned on doing family centered activities, but didn't really put together a whole agenda.

Temple St. Entrance to SUNY Fredonia.

Mama and Adam, walking a familiar route.

We left early Saturday morning, and decided to make a quick stop at our alma mater, Fredonia State University.  Turns out it was homecoming weekend, so the campus was already starting to "buzz".  We toured the music building, Mason Hall, and marveled at the changes since we were first there in 1995!  We stopped at the Starbucks on campus (new addition) before leaving.  We got Adam to take a picture of us, and showed him where we lived and met.

Dada and Adam walking into Mason Hall.

Many hours spent in desks like this.

Some kind of monitor lizard.

'Roo ears at the Zoo.

After about an hour we continued on towards Cleveland.  Our first stop before checking in to the Hotel was the Cleveland MetroParks Zoo.  Very nice zoo, with some big hills (we took the tram...).  We spent about 4 hours walking around, and Adam loved it.  And to think, 4 years ago I walked the park at 300 pounds!

After that it was check in time at the hotel, and dinner time.  We aren't big fancy eaters (mostly because of the price), and so we didn't go to the hotel's restaurant (a steak was $45.  I am sure it was an awesome steak, but not for $45!) and instead went to the Denny's next door, where I was hoping to get wings.  But they don't carry wings anymore, apparently.  So I got a sirloin steak, which was pretty good, Lisa got a big salad, and Adam had...chocolate chip pancakes!

After that, it was time to swim in the hotel pool.  It was cold, but the pool had bathrooms, which had showers, and I had a genius idea.  Get in the hot shower, but slowly lower the temperature, and then when I get in the pool, I would be fine.  It worked!  We had a nice swim, but got out when some teenage girls (cheerleaders?) got in and did their usual loud fun.  No offense, but not my favorite environment...

So after swimming, we decided to get room service - wings for me and Lisa, and fries for Adam.  And it was less than $45.  And it was very good.

So, the next morning our plans were to go to the Greater Cleveland Aquarium and the Great Lakes Science Center.  We stopped at a local Bob Evans, and Lisa and I had omelets, and Adam had...Chocolate Chip Pancakes.  Again.

Cleveland Lift bridge

Checking out a turtle.

On the way to the Aquarium we had to stop for a lift bridge (way different than the Albion lift bridges), and I noticed some folks tailgating in a parking lot.  I said, "Oh, there must be a Browns game today."  More on that later.

So, on to the aquarium, which was great!  It wasn't huge (like the National Aquarium in Baltimore), but it was better than our local aquarium in Niagara Falls (I'm not knocking Niagara, but it could use some updating), and amazingly clean, well laid out, and the staff was awesome.  Adam got to pet stingrays, and see sharks.

Petting the Stingrays.

Sea Anemone.

The Leg Lamp is in the window.

Christmas Story House.

 After leaving the Aquarium, we started heading toward the Science Center (with a brief photo drive-by of "The Christmas Story" house).  As we got closer, we saw more and more brown and orange.  The Browns game.  And apparently I had forgotten that the Stadium and The Science Center are right next door to each other.  Parking lots were packed, and to pay for parking would have been $25!  As we waited in traffic, trying to decide if we should go or not, we were amazed at the sub-culture we were seeing as we waited in standstill traffic on the highway.  Brown and orange buses, modified to look like dogs.  Pickup football games in the parking lots.  Drinking, and loud music. It was brown and orange as far as the eye could see.  We even saw a man relieving himself (sorry, no picture) - he courteously went behind his bus attempting to be unseen, but unfortunately, that meant he was facing oncoming traffic, and us.  Interesting.  There's nothing like a Browns fan.

I think we saw this one.

I guess what I take away from all of that, is that I don't understand the professional sports culture.  I know I have running role models (Ryan Hall, Steve Prefontaine, Dean Karnazes), but I don't idolize them.  I understand how people can be entertained by football (and other pro sports), but I don't understand the deep obsession some people have with it.  I guess one could say the same about music (I'm not talking Pop or Rock stars), and professional Symphonies and performers.  But somehow, I don't think they are the same.

So, in the end, after looking at the Science center website and seeing that the parking lot devoted to the Science Center actually was used for Browns game parking, we decided to leave Cleveland and be on our merry way.

On the way home we stopped at Subway.  We stopped in Erie, PA, at a place where you can get your own custom Jelly Belly mix (Adam, not me).  Our lasts top before home was Batavia.  We stopped at Target to look for a pink shirt for the Making Strides walk on Sunday.  Then it was on to home (which when we arrived, was WASP-FREE...).

Any big revelations for me on this trip?  Not horribly huge...but I thought of this verse:
^{Matthew 6:19-21...19} “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

I thought of all those Browns fans, drinking, carousing...I am not trying to judge, but I wonder...where do they think their treasure is?  I know where mine is.  It was in the good time that I had with my family, and I think God would be pleased that we spent time together.  That is not an earthly treasure, I think.  I treasure the love we all have for each other, and the love only comes to us through Christ.

I. Hate. Wasps.

And I don't mean people of english descent.  Actually, they might be hornets, but either way, I hate the things.  Nothing in the world makes me want to curse, swear, and throw things more than these little stinkin' pests.

My   n e m e s i s . . . 

It's the time of year when it happens.  I get that.  Somehow they have been finding their way into the house.  I don't know where - I can see on the outside (near a soffit/eave/vinyl siding gap), but not on the inside.  So they must be coming in behind something (a cupboard, the stove, or...?).  We had the local pest control guy come and spray again (he guarantees through December), and it looks like this time he used some of the powder stuff too.  Except I think now they are trying to escape INTO the house.  I almost have nightmares about it.  I am hoping that the temperature starts to drop soon and kills them all off.  They are at a high activity right now, so I am not about to go tearing off siding and try to find wherever they are nesting.  And right now, I don't feel like we have the money to pay a pro (probably the local pest control guy again) to come do the investigating for us.  We just paid for a new roof, which looks awesome, but took a huge chunk out of the savings.

I hate them.

That's a strong word, I know, but it's the only way to express it.  I don't feel that way about much else in this world.  I am not allergic to them, but I know they sting, and make my heart race a little just thinking about them.

I can't imagine loving them.  The aggressive, stinging, nuisance of a pest.  But somehow, we are called to love our "enemies".  I am going to go out on a limb here and say that I don't think Christ was talking about wasps, but you can see the parrallel, right?

I am sure we all have times where we would rather just get rid of the nuisance, and never deal with it again.  Or at least cover it up and pretend they aren't there.  But have we really dealt with the root of the issue?  Not really.

Sometimes we have to buck up and dive into the "hornet's nest" - something that scares the life out of me.  I am not myself an extrovert, and don't like to put myself in situations where I have to confront someone (an enemy?) about something, much less try to love them.  One of my good friends is good at that, but it's really not him - it's him listening to what God is telling him to do, and knowing that when the time comes the words, the strength, and the love, will be there.  I can only pray that when the time comes, he will do the same for me.   I know I am not allergic to loving my enemies, but I know that they can hurt me, and it makes my heart race to think about confronting them.

So, for now, I will wait for the right time to tear into the wall (of my own psyche, and the wall of the house) and confront mine enemies.  God will give us the resources to make it happen, and put before us a task which is important to him.

But I will still hate the wasps.

Happy Birthday, to me.

There's something to be said for doing what you want on your birthday.  After putting in a full day of school on Wednesday, my family and I went to Applebee's for dinner, where I was able to get a free entrée because I'm part of their email club.  The dessert was a free hot fudge sundae shooter, which I gave to Adam to eat!  I wasn't planning on having any kind of dessert, and after Applebee's we went to swimming lessons at the Y.  Afterwards, I decided that wanted to stop at a local chocolatier and get a treat.  I did get a few small things for my family, however for myself I got peanut brittle, peanut butter candies, and some espresso mix (chocolate covered espresso beans, basically).  All of them were delicious, but I couldn't finish the peanut brittle, or the espresso mix.  My eyes were definitely far bigger than my stomach, but it was something that I wanted to do.  Not exactly what I should have done, but it enjoyed it nonetheless.

The problem came later.  Actually at about 1:30am, to be more precise, when my left foot/ankle decided to get a cramp.  Not fun.  I have found in the last 6 months that when I over indulge on sugar, I get night cramps (and sometimes day cramps, depending on when the indulgence happens).

What did I learn from this?  Nothing really.  I knew they would give me cramps, but I did it anyway.  I continued to make the mistake, even though I knew it would happen.

Lisa has pretty effectively cut out sugar from her diet, and I have been letting it in far too often.  One could say that nutrition wise, I have fallen from grace.  But thankfully, I know the way back.

What happens when we fall from the grace of God?  Actually - that doesn't happen!  Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ.  His love is unconditional, but ours is fickle, and we sometimes forget that we cannot be separated, and instead we focus on the earthly desires and distractions that make us feel like we have lost our way.

The amazing thing is, when we focus on Heaven, on Christ, those earthly desires fade away, and those distractions resolve into chances for ministry.

So, Monday, I start again; see if I can get to that 15%.  First day of the rest of my life, and all that....

...

All right - that's all I've got!

September brings many things...

Hello? Is this thing on? Test...1...2...3...

Where do I start?

Let's start with my "15³ challenge"...

The thing with setting goals is that sometimes we don't reach them, or at least fully. In this case, I got partway there. Instead of 15% by September 15th, I was able to do 15 lbs. by September 15th. Not bad, but not what I wanted.  I definitely feel GOOD about what I was able to do, but not so good about what I wasn't.  But - this gives me a chance to re-evalute my goals, and set a new one.

I guess I have a thing for connections, because here is my next goal.  I am going to be 36 in October (the 2nd to be exact - gifts and money welcomed...).  So how can I tie that in...?  How about being able to run again, and get to 3.6 miles, in 3.6 months?  That sounds like a long time, but it goes by quick when you are working, spending time with family, and trying to find time to do the things you like to do, not to mention the things you need to do.

Adam loves his class, and teacher!

Speaking of working...

The school year has started pretty well.  I have a lot of kids as usual, and finding ways to meet every individuals needs is tough.  But I enjoy my job, 99% of the time (it's the non-teaching stuff that gets to me), and I wouldn't trade the good parts for anything.

Lisa has started teaching 2nd grade this year.  After being away from the Elementary kids for 7 years, she found herself busier than ever (but like me, enjoys the teaching, and dislikes the "other" stuff).  

Anyone who thinks teachers don't work for their money should observe our lives for a week.  I get to make my own schedule, basically, but in order to meet every individuals needs, I pack lessons back to back for 5 hours straight most days without a break.  Not to mention the extra time outside of school I spend, on concerts, parent meetings, and rehearsals with the high school groups I am involved in.  I have been arriving to school earlier than normal on most days, as Lisa and I ride together most of the time, and she likes to be there early to get ready for the day.  Lisa's typical day?  Check it out:

• Somewhere between 2am and 4am: Wake up (I usually get up shortly after)
• Somewhere between 2am and 4am - get started on the days plans, and planning ahead for school, bible reading, journaling, and devotions (I do the same)
• Somewhere between 5am and 6am - shower, eat breakfast (I cook), maybe start some laundry (my job is dishes)
• 6am - Adam gets up, eats something (maybe - sometimes he eats in Lisa's room at school) and gets dressed, does devotions, and watches a little Netflix.
• 7am - we head off to school
• 7:05 am - arrive at school, and we both get started on the days plans, and planning ahead for school
• 8am - 3 days of the week, I have band, and start teaching at 8am, before the rest of the building (Lisa and Adam are still working in her room)
• 9am - the regular school days starts, and we both work straight without many breaks until 3:20, when the kids go home.  We both usually work more until at least 3:40, our contractual end time.   Often though, we are there a little later.
• Let's say 4:00pm - leave for home
• 4:05pm - get home (a blessing that we live close), unpack lunch boxes, repack lunchboxes for tomorrow, and get changed out of work clothes.
• 4:30pm - I start cooking dinner, while Lisa may do some more work for school.
• 5pm-ish: Eat dinner.
• 5:30 - Adam chills, or does homework, or plays, while I clean up dinner, and Lisa may do some more work for school.
• Somewhere between 6 and 7 pm - Adam takes a bath (unless it's swimming lesson night, in which case we drive to Batavia by 6:15, and return about 7:30).  I may leave for a rehearsal or meeting, in which case I am not home before 9pm.
• Somewhere between 7 and 8pm - BEDTIME for most of us.  I'm a bit of a night owl, and sometimes watch Netflix.
• And it repeats the next day.

Swim lessons in Batavia.

Weekends aren't much different, except that's when we get stuff done around the house, add in Tae Kwon Do, church, and family time.  I don't regret one part of that schedule.  We are doing what God called us to do, and we are busy because of it.  We try to help others, and we are trying to find ways to be more involved in ministries.  We recently became members (not just attenders) of Albion Free Methodist Church, and that is a good thing - they are our family, and we have built some close relationships with those folks since starting attending there.  God has big plans for his church - this one in particular.

So...anyway...where am I going from here?  Obviously, sharing every detail with you would be tedious, and if you've read this far, I don't want to bore you.

First tooth lost!

I am becoming a bigger part (as in planning and leading) of our worship team at church.  I am formulating my goals.  We are breaking from Facebook (though I may return - I use it a lot to communicate with teams, groups, and parents).  We are getting a "new" roof.  We are getting out of debt (slowly, but surely...Thank YOU Dave Ramsey!).  Adam has lost TWO teeth in the last 3 weeks.  We are tired.  Sometimes we are testy.  We get angry with each other.  But we love each other, even when we don't like each other.  Our family is strong, and I thank God for that.  Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ, thank God.

15³ challenge update...my progress so far...

Well, it's been a bit of a whirlwind summer so far.  We have kept busy, with soccer, parades, camping, and just staying active!  We have done a lot of spring cleaning (yes, I know it's summer, but as teachers, actual spring cleaning is a joke), and getting rid of a lot of the "stuff" that just sits around gathering dust, or not getting used.  It's a good metaphor for life I guess - getting rid of the things in your life that don't do anything for you.  Casting off that extra weight, extra baggage, extra burdens.

Except, at least in terms of our physical stuff, we're pawning it off on other people (garage sale!)!  Kind of hard to do that with our emotional and spiritual stuff, eh?

Today is my 14th anniversary of being married to my wife.  I could make jokes, or make complaints, but that wouldn't be like our marriage.  There are always things that bother each of us, and sometimes we voice them, and sometimes we don't.  A lot of people ask folks who have been married 50 years what their secret is.  There are lots of cute memes and Pinterest and Facebook posters about it, but really it comes down to this:  my love for my wife is a choice.  It doesn't matter what I do for her, or what she does for me.  It doesn't matter what I give up for her, or her for me.  I CHOOSE her, and I chose her.  God put us together, but it is up to us to stay that way.  We have a beautiful son, who I would give anything in the world for.  A lot people (and there's nothing wrong with this) might want to go out and spend an evening together at a fancy restaurant, or a movie, and a nice bottle of wine after.  But honestly, spending the day with my wife and son, at a Christian camp, smelling like wood smoke, and eating "camp food" is the best way I can think of to celebrate 14 years of marriage.  Have they all been wonderful so far?  Depends on how you look at it, I guess.  They have definitely been full of wonder.  But there have been hard times, difficult decisions, and sad days.  But never once have I wondered if this persons was anything but my soulmate, the person wanted to be with for the rest of my life.  It sounds cheesy, but "she completes me."  I would definitely call her my better half, because she keeps me in check, and provides the yin to my yang.  I hope she would say the same.  Our interests may not always coincide, but we respect each others dreams, desires, and hopes.  And more often than not, they do intersect.  So, to close this little section....

Lisa, I love you.  14 years is nothing, and it is everything.  My prayer for us today is that our hopes and dreams continue to guide us, and that we can bring some light to the world, and raise our son to be the man God wants him to be.

Now...

Progress on my 15³ challenge is going...well, it's going.  Since June 15, I have lost 16 pounds.  I have been biking at least 10 miles 3-4 times a week, and have begun a couch-to-5k program.  I am currently in week 5 of that.  It's been admittedly tough.  I am going to try to stick it out, but I don't think that running is part of God's long term plan for me anymore.  Or if it is, it's going to be in a totally different way.  But who am I to know the plans of The Lord?  I think running is great, but I'm not enjoying it like I once was.  I feel saddened about this, but perhaps that is due to the fact that I felt like I was helping people by running, especially through our Run for God program in Albion.  But perhaps God has some different leaders in mind for that, and different plans for me.

My friend Brian has urged me to see a doctor about my running issues - that maybe there is something else at work besides my EXTREMELY lazy winter and weight gain.  And I will see a doctor, but only after I have made the effort to correct it myself first.

Don't get me wrong - I think that doctors are educated, helpful people.  But I have to be in charge of my own well-being, and take responsibility for myself.  I highly believe in the power of healthy diet and living over medicine, and I don't want a doctor to see me for 5 minutes, and then prescribe a pill.  Hippocrates said, "Let food be thy medicine, and let thy medicine be food."

So - I have a ways to go in my challenge.  Will I make it?  I hope so.  But lately, I have been trying to make sure that it's not just about me.  My God can do more for me than I could possibly imagine.

Happy Father's Day, and my 15³ Challenge!

Well, it was an interesting start to the Father's Day weekend.  It started with feeling extremely sick on Flag Day, and not being able to call in because of my responsibilities at school.  I'm not that kind of person (maybye it's a trust issue) that can leave my students in the hands of someone else.  I know my students in ways that other teachers don't see, and in some they do.

At any rate, somehow I made it through the Flag Day festivities (not without some tears though - thinking of Dad during Lee Greenwood's God Bless the USA which is always played during our Flag Day Ceremeony).  I love it when Band kids get other awards, and Friday was no exception.  I really do get to work with the BEST kids in school.  Afterwards, I had to clear my room for some events next week, but in the midst of it, started feeling worse...I'll spare you the messy details.

Once I got home on Friday, I flopped into bed and slept.  And slept.  Then I came out to the living room.  And slept.  Then I went back to the bedroom.  And slept.

I woke up Saturday still having stomach pain.  I came out into the living room.  And slept.

About 5 o'clock, I finally ate something - chicken broth, with some bacon thrown in.  And 10 saltines.  Wow.  Livin large now...

So I started feeling better last night, and today, Sunday, Father's Day, most of my pains and symptoms are gone.

SO as much as I hated feeling the way I did, it actually was good for me.  I have been thinking up this challenge (and feel free to join me) of losing 15% of my body weight in 3 months, from June 15, to September 15.  And I'm calling it the "15³ Challenge" (the 15-cubed Challenge).

Now 15% might seem like a lot.  As of today's blog writing, I am at 190 lbs.  Losing 15% will put me just above the ideal weight (according to BMI charts and common practice) of 157 pounds.  That's roughly 30 pounds.

According to WebMD (http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/is-fat-the-new-normal) the average American is 23 pounds overweight.  I am not going to tout the reliability of WebMD, but how many of you faithful readers fall into that range?  How many of you think you would look, feel, and act better if you were to drop those 23 pounds?  If I go with 30 pounds, it comes out to 2.5 pounds a week - extremely doable, and I have already lost 7 from being sick...!

For me, I know I will feel better.  This weight loss journey, which for me started 4 years ago now, is never-ending.  I have had issues running of late, and have picked up biking, and hope to do more of that, but also find my mojo again with running.

So - who will join me on my "15³ Challenge"?  Here's the "rules"...

Weigh your self today.
Multiply it by .15 - that will give you the number of pounds to lose.
Keep track of it yourself (what do you think I am, nosy?)
OR
Join me on myfitnesspal.com, a really nice food/weight/exercise journalling site and app (available for most smartphones) - you can find me via facebook or my username "youffoniac".

SOOOO....it's Father's Day.  I think I will forgo the ice cream cake that was planned (due to being sick, and the challenge), but I will definitely find time to enjoy my family, and honor my Fathers, both earthly and heavenly.

Ephesians 6:1-4

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ² “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— ³ “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”⁴ Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Paradigms, self perception, and comparisons.

I recently listened to two different recordings, of different groups I have either played with, or conducted. Before listening to them I had a preconceived idea of how each one sounded. In my minds eye (or ears, I guess) I heard these performances one way (pretty durn great), while listening to the actual recording actually have me another perception (slightly less than pretty durn great). Had I heard these prior, there may have been things I would have changed about each performance.

Why didn't I hear these things while in the midst of performance? I'm sure there have been all kinds of studies done. And I don't have a good answer of my own.

To liken it to other events in my life, I spent most of this winter (as you know, faithful readers) eating badly and gaining weight. In My minds eye, or in my human imperfection, I thought I would be able to pretty much jump right back into running.

Ha. Boy was I fooled.

I have been having issues with dizziness, and shortness of breath while running, even short distances. I am actually at about the same weight I was when I picked back up LAST spring, but perhaps somehow went too far this year.

This really stinks, especially considering I am a leader for our Run for God program at AFMC. I feel like a hypocrite of sorts. I feel useless, and a poor role model.  I fear that there are other issues at work, in addition to my winter weight gain.  There are conditions I am thinking of that I don't want to voice out loud.  I know that Satan is attacking me, but I feel like I have let myself be put in a vulnerable position, making it easier for him to reach me.

I think, both with those performances, and with my physical issues right now, I have tuned out what needed to be done.

Thankfully, God sees us just as we are - there is no hiding from him.  Thankfully though, he has already taken into account our imperfections, our afflictions, our blind eyes.  He covers them up with Christ; he fixes the sour notes, the floppy tummy, the damaged psyche.

Unfortunately, that doesn't make our time on Earth on "easier".  No sir-ee.  However, I know that God has a plan, and he's workin' it right now.  The part that bothers me is I don't know what it is.  He will use me somehow, and he will make me prepared.  I just wish sometimes that he would hurry up, and give me a stinkin' clue.

I know I don't normally pray at the end of these, but here are the words on my heart...

God, I hope that you've got something great coming...this is tough.  I know there are a lot more things I could be concerned about, but somehow, this is the one weighing on me.  Please, do something to take this burden off my heart.  Clean me, and wash me, and make me pure, for you Lord, so that I can do what you need me to do.  I know that I am imperfect.  I know that you love me.  I know that I believe in you.  God, please believe in me.  Give me purpose.  Give me life, give me strength, give me patience.  In return God, I will give you Glory.  I will put you in my heart, and never let go.  Thank you God, for all you give me.  Thank you Jesus, for dying for me.  Thank you.  Amen.

Fat-Fasting. Trust. The goodness of people.

Fat Fast day 5 - down another (almost) pound. That makes "almost" 10 in 5 days. Today is the last day of this cycle. Tomorrow and Thursday I will follow a normal "low-carb" regimen, keeping my own net carbs down to 20 or below, but no calorie or ratio limitations. I chose Wednesday and Thursday because those are, in general, my busiest days, and figured that would actually be more useful to have a "bigger" diet that day, instead of on the actual weekend.

Now, on to other things...

I started writing this entry yesterday. Prior to the bombings at the Boston Marathon, actually. And I wanted to write about trust. I think my ideas still ring true, and perhaps even more so after the events.

First
Much of our existence, in some way is based on trust.

We trust that people will STOP at RED lights, and GO at GREEN lights.
We trust that the money people give us in exchange for goods is legal tender, and they trust that what we give them is a worthy product.
We trust that what people tell us is the truth.
We trust that food producers produce products that will nourish our bodies.
We trust that we can run a "simple" footrace and finish with dignity.

So many times we are lulled into complacence by tradition, and a false feeling of safety. We TRUST that things like this won't happen. But many of these trusts are so easily broken. And laws do not stop it. One would not think that a marathon would be the target of a terrorist, be it domestic, or foreign. Many people were trusting that they would be safe, especially as spectators to the event. And I don't believe in any way that it is the fault of the organizers, police, city workers, or volunteers, and I hope that no one starts laying blame like that.

The goodness of the people at the Boston Marathon (aside from the bombers, of course), has already been documented, and I won't go into the examples here. But one person said that the number of people doing GOOD will always far outweigh the number of people doing BAD. Believers or not, when they help someone less fortunate, they are doing GOD's work.

And I trust in GOD to use me where he sees fit. The biggest thing for me yesterday was the feeling that I couldn't help, but I am trusting GOD to put the right people in the right place, at the right time. And that is a trust that HE WILL NOT BREAK.

The Lord reigns forever; he has established his throne for judgment. He rules the world in righteousness and judges the peoples with equity. The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you. Sing the praises of the Lord, enthroned in Zion; proclaim among the nations what he has done. For he who avenges blood remembers; he does not ignore the cries of the afflicted. Lord, see how my enemies persecute me! Have mercy and lift me up from the gates of death, that I may declare your praises in the gates of Daughter Zion, and there rejoice in your salvation. The nations have fallen into the pit they have dug; their feet are caught in the net they have hidden. The Lord is known by his acts of justice; the wicked are ensnared by the work of their hands. The wicked go down to the realm of the dead, all the nations that forget God. But God will never forget the needy; the hope of the afflicted will never perish. Arise, Lord, do not let mortals triumph; let the nations be judged in your presence. Strike them with terror, Lord; let the nations know they are only mortal. (Psalm 9:7-20 NIV)

Fat Fasting, running, and some other neglected stuff...

Oomph. I have been WAAAYYYY too lazy this winter. Oh, it's spring? You almost wouldn't know it. This morning I had to wear my heavier coat, gloves, AND carry an umbrella! What's up with that?

So, about the lazy part...Yeah. It's not like I did nothing productive this winter, but I have to admit that I was pretty mentally beat up after deciding NOT to do a marathon last fall. Don't get me wrong - I loved doing the Mighty Niagara Half Marathon with our Run For God team, and though it wasn't my best half-marathon time, I enjoyed running the race. And that's what it's supposed to be about, right?

But the mental (or maybe I should say emotional) breakdown happened somewhere in early September, I think it was. I went out for what was supposed to be a simple 5 mile run (which sounds laughable, but when you train for a marathon, a 5-miler really isn't the biggest of your worries), and I got about 2 miles in, and had to stop. My feet were killing me (which hadn't happened at all once I started running "barefoot"/natural), my calves were cramping, and I couldn't get my breath. I walked the next 3 miles (I had to get home, after all), and for the next 5 months, basically did nothing running wise (especially once the Mighty Niagara HM was over), and beat myself up emotionally because I couldn't complete the training.

So, Thanksgiving comes, and then Christmas, and New Years, etc. And the scale has been slowly creeping up on me, and I feel even more sorry for myself.

So along comes January and February and my friends Brian and Jack start planning the next Run For God session, and I have to admit, as good as I knew it was for our community, and our fellow believers, I didn't want to do it. Yep, I said it. I have put on about 30 pounds (yep, putting it all out there today, boy...) and I feel like a slug. I can't even run 2 miles anymore without feeling dizzy and out of breath. What makes me qualified to help other people NOT feel like I am feeling?

Well, "Too bad," God said. "Get out there and do it."

So, we've been into the RFG session for 4 weeks now, and I admittedly have not changed my habits much. Still eating the wrong foods (for me), staying up late, not running (though that is changing), and generally being lazy in my personal and Christian life.

But I am taking steps, starting today:

1. When I first started to lose weight a few years ago (2007?) the blogging helped me stay on track, partially because I felt accountable to the 2 or 3 people who actually read this (thanks y'all!). So expect a few blog posts a week.

2. I am GOING to MAKE A HABIT of running. It won't be fast, right away anyway. But I WILL do it. I am accountable to a group of people who for some reason look to me as a leader. God has put me in a position to do this, so I need to step up, be a man of God, and DO IT!

3. Today I am starting something called a "fat fast". I am hoping it will give me a jump start into dropping those pounds I put on over the fall and winter. If you are a low-carber (like I should, and NEED, to be), the concept may seem familiar. Basically, I am reducing my calorie intake for 5 days (between 1000-1200), and trying to make 90% of those calories come from fat. I am sure that will seem crazy to a lot of you, but the research is there that HIGH fat, MODERATE protein, LOW carb lifestyles WORK! I hope to share some of the research that is out there in this blog. Anyway, after those 5 days, I go to 2 days of an "induction-level" plan. Again, this is going to be familiar to low carbers, but it's basically NOT calorie restricted, but still stays under 20 net carbohydrates a day. You cycle this a few times, and then go back to your "regular" low carb plan. The fat fast is going to be tough, but again...man up, right?

4. Bible Study and reading - I have been VERY negligent in this. Agree with me or not, but I know that I need to do it. The YouVersion Bible app has tons of study plans, and I plan on starting that today.

5. Family time - this most recent spring break brought sickness, cold days, and maybe 1 day of nice weather...I wish that everyone (including myself) had felt like getting out more, but it didn't happen. I want to get outside, and we are ALL eagerly anticipating getting out of our doldrums, getting out of the house, and having some good family time. We can't until we can get camping, either...

So those are the steps. I am sure there will be some stumbles...but I want to quote a verse on that subject...RFG'ers will hopefully recognize it.

"...for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes." (Proverbs 24:16)

Man have I fallen...but hopefully with God's help, I can rise again.

An imperfect memory...

As you read when last we were together, I was sitting in my sister's bedroom, trying to remember memories...and I realized that I have probably forgotten a lot of good and bad times, but I wanted something to have at home, and to carry with me, to remind me of what I do remember.  I apologize if that sounds roundabout, but it's how my brain works.

I sat with my sister for 4 hours on Saturday.  I don't think she realized I was there all the time.  I don't think she remembered who I was - but that's okay.  I know who she is.  But I wanted to have something more than the vision of my sister sleeping, taking meds, and being in pain.

Before coming home I decided to grab some of my Mom's photo albums's, and bring them home and scan some pictures, because I had virtually NO pictures of my sister, or me with my sister...

So I scanned a bunch, and I thought I would share them with you.  I'm not sure of a lot of the dates.  I am sure you will laugh at many of them...

Me and my sis, probably in New Jersey, July 1978.

Lisa, Me, and Bill.  Not sure of the Occasion.  Also July '78.

I think Lisa is actually on the horse with me - Summer '78.

Developed Feb 1978.

Developed Feb. 1978.

I'm thinking Easter 1978.

Bill and Lisa, probably fighting over something!

Classic Lisa pose.  She still does this.  That's a 4-H shirt she has on.

Me and Princess again.  

Me and my Gram.  She'll probably outlive us all.

Classic Bill and Lisa.  Love each other, but fight like crazy!

Lisa, Bill, and a friend.  Probably while my Dad was stationed in Panama.

Classic Dad pose.  He would often be this way after 5pm...

Christmas 1976.  The date on the back said Oct 1977 - but that must be the printing date, cause I was born in Oct 1977.

More Christmas '76.

I think this was after we moved back to Norwich, so 1982-ish.  See the latch on the dryer?  I think that's because I broke it somehow getting in and out...

Date says June '85, so I am guessing school in Norwich, 1984.

Bill got chopped in the scan.  But also Lake of the Ozarks?

Probably Lake of the Ozarks, Illinois.

Dad's face got chopped in the scan, but this is the only picture I've seen of him holding me.  Sometime in 1977.

Bill's Senior Prom night.  (1982?)

Yes, I'm in my undies.  Must have been at one of Dad's famous bonfires, in Norwich.  Sometime after 1982.

Some school day, perhaps 1984, '85?

We still have these books (ValueTales).  Adam reads them now.  Summer '81.

More christmas '81?

I loved this costume, though it looks creepy now.  October 1981.

My favorite bike EVER.  A Spider-Man bike.  Spring '82.

Christmas, probably 1981.

Me and my mommy, at the bonfire.

Illinois blizzard...1981?

Bill's Graduation 1982.

Christmas 1984

Lisa's Senior Prom.  I think my mom made the gown by hand.    May 1985.  This is how I want to remember her.

Loved my pony...Princess?  May 1985.

Lisa and Princess.

My sister wanting to be up on the local happenings.

Showing my muscles to my step-Grandma Jan, I guess!

Babe, pulling me and cousins around, Dad driving.

Christmas 1981.  Nice face, Bill.

That's Babe, my "trick pony."  Yes I am wearing a leather vest with no shirt.

Lisa and her oldest son, Zach.

It wasn't Bill and Lisa pulling cattails - it was Lisa and our neighbor Kevin.

Not my prom, but my friend Kelly's.  I wasn't the first choice, but that's okay -  it's an interesting story.

Date says August 1984.