Paradigms, self perception, and comparisons.

I recently listened to two different recordings, of different groups I have either played with, or conducted. Before listening to them I had a preconceived idea of how each one sounded. In my minds eye (or ears, I guess) I heard these performances one way (pretty durn great), while listening to the actual recording actually have me another perception (slightly less than pretty durn great). Had I heard these prior, there may have been things I would have changed about each performance.

Why didn't I hear these things while in the midst of performance? I'm sure there have been all kinds of studies done. And I don't have a good answer of my own.

To liken it to other events in my life, I spent most of this winter (as you know, faithful readers) eating badly and gaining weight. In My minds eye, or in my human imperfection, I thought I would be able to pretty much jump right back into running.

Ha. Boy was I fooled.

I have been having issues with dizziness, and shortness of breath while running, even short distances. I am actually at about the same weight I was when I picked back up LAST spring, but perhaps somehow went too far this year.

This really stinks, especially considering I am a leader for our Run for God program at AFMC. I feel like a hypocrite of sorts. I feel useless, and a poor role model.  I fear that there are other issues at work, in addition to my winter weight gain.  There are conditions I am thinking of that I don't want to voice out loud.  I know that Satan is attacking me, but I feel like I have let myself be put in a vulnerable position, making it easier for him to reach me.

I think, both with those performances, and with my physical issues right now, I have tuned out what needed to be done.

Thankfully, God sees us just as we are - there is no hiding from him.  Thankfully though, he has already taken into account our imperfections, our afflictions, our blind eyes.  He covers them up with Christ; he fixes the sour notes, the floppy tummy, the damaged psyche.

Unfortunately, that doesn't make our time on Earth on "easier".  No sir-ee.  However, I know that God has a plan, and he's workin' it right now.  The part that bothers me is I don't know what it is.  He will use me somehow, and he will make me prepared.  I just wish sometimes that he would hurry up, and give me a stinkin' clue.

I know I don't normally pray at the end of these, but here are the words on my heart...

God, I hope that you've got something great coming...this is tough.  I know there are a lot more things I could be concerned about, but somehow, this is the one weighing on me.  Please, do something to take this burden off my heart.  Clean me, and wash me, and make me pure, for you Lord, so that I can do what you need me to do.  I know that I am imperfect.  I know that you love me.  I know that I believe in you.  God, please believe in me.  Give me purpose.  Give me life, give me strength, give me patience.  In return God, I will give you Glory.  I will put you in my heart, and never let go.  Thank you God, for all you give me.  Thank you Jesus, for dying for me.  Thank you.  Amen.