Paradigms, self perception, and comparisons.

I recently listened to two different recordings, of different groups I have either played with, or conducted. Before listening to them I had a preconceived idea of how each one sounded. In my minds eye (or ears, I guess) I heard these performances one way (pretty durn great), while listening to the actual recording actually have me another perception (slightly less than pretty durn great). Had I heard these prior, there may have been things I would have changed about each performance.

Why didn't I hear these things while in the midst of performance? I'm sure there have been all kinds of studies done. And I don't have a good answer of my own.

To liken it to other events in my life, I spent most of this winter (as you know, faithful readers) eating badly and gaining weight. In My minds eye, or in my human imperfection, I thought I would be able to pretty much jump right back into running.

Ha. Boy was I fooled.

I have been having issues with dizziness, and shortness of breath while running, even short distances. I am actually at about the same weight I was when I picked back up LAST spring, but perhaps somehow went too far this year.

This really stinks, especially considering I am a leader for our Run for God program at AFMC. I feel like a hypocrite of sorts. I feel useless, and a poor role model.  I fear that there are other issues at work, in addition to my winter weight gain.  There are conditions I am thinking of that I don't want to voice out loud.  I know that Satan is attacking me, but I feel like I have let myself be put in a vulnerable position, making it easier for him to reach me.

I think, both with those performances, and with my physical issues right now, I have tuned out what needed to be done.

Thankfully, God sees us just as we are - there is no hiding from him.  Thankfully though, he has already taken into account our imperfections, our afflictions, our blind eyes.  He covers them up with Christ; he fixes the sour notes, the floppy tummy, the damaged psyche.

Unfortunately, that doesn't make our time on Earth on "easier".  No sir-ee.  However, I know that God has a plan, and he's workin' it right now.  The part that bothers me is I don't know what it is.  He will use me somehow, and he will make me prepared.  I just wish sometimes that he would hurry up, and give me a stinkin' clue.

I know I don't normally pray at the end of these, but here are the words on my heart...

God, I hope that you've got something great coming...this is tough.  I know there are a lot more things I could be concerned about, but somehow, this is the one weighing on me.  Please, do something to take this burden off my heart.  Clean me, and wash me, and make me pure, for you Lord, so that I can do what you need me to do.  I know that I am imperfect.  I know that you love me.  I know that I believe in you.  God, please believe in me.  Give me purpose.  Give me life, give me strength, give me patience.  In return God, I will give you Glory.  I will put you in my heart, and never let go.  Thank you God, for all you give me.  Thank you Jesus, for dying for me.  Thank you.  Amen.

Fat-Fasting. Trust. The goodness of people.

Fat Fast day 5 - down another (almost) pound. That makes "almost" 10 in 5 days. Today is the last day of this cycle. Tomorrow and Thursday I will follow a normal "low-carb" regimen, keeping my own net carbs down to 20 or below, but no calorie or ratio limitations. I chose Wednesday and Thursday because those are, in general, my busiest days, and figured that would actually be more useful to have a "bigger" diet that day, instead of on the actual weekend.

Now, on to other things...

I started writing this entry yesterday. Prior to the bombings at the Boston Marathon, actually. And I wanted to write about trust. I think my ideas still ring true, and perhaps even more so after the events.

First
Much of our existence, in some way is based on trust.

We trust that people will STOP at RED lights, and GO at GREEN lights.
We trust that the money people give us in exchange for goods is legal tender, and they trust that what we give them is a worthy product.
We trust that what people tell us is the truth.
We trust that food producers produce products that will nourish our bodies.
We trust that we can run a "simple" footrace and finish with dignity.

So many times we are lulled into complacence by tradition, and a false feeling of safety. We TRUST that things like this won't happen. But many of these trusts are so easily broken. And laws do not stop it. One would not think that a marathon would be the target of a terrorist, be it domestic, or foreign. Many people were trusting that they would be safe, especially as spectators to the event. And I don't believe in any way that it is the fault of the organizers, police, city workers, or volunteers, and I hope that no one starts laying blame like that.

The goodness of the people at the Boston Marathon (aside from the bombers, of course), has already been documented, and I won't go into the examples here. But one person said that the number of people doing GOOD will always far outweigh the number of people doing BAD. Believers or not, when they help someone less fortunate, they are doing GOD's work.

And I trust in GOD to use me where he sees fit. The biggest thing for me yesterday was the feeling that I couldn't help, but I am trusting GOD to put the right people in the right place, at the right time. And that is a trust that HE WILL NOT BREAK.

The Lord reigns forever; he has established his throne for judgment. He rules the world in righteousness and judges the peoples with equity. The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you. Sing the praises of the Lord, enthroned in Zion; proclaim among the nations what he has done. For he who avenges blood remembers; he does not ignore the cries of the afflicted. Lord, see how my enemies persecute me! Have mercy and lift me up from the gates of death, that I may declare your praises in the gates of Daughter Zion, and there rejoice in your salvation. The nations have fallen into the pit they have dug; their feet are caught in the net they have hidden. The Lord is known by his acts of justice; the wicked are ensnared by the work of their hands. The wicked go down to the realm of the dead, all the nations that forget God. But God will never forget the needy; the hope of the afflicted will never perish. Arise, Lord, do not let mortals triumph; let the nations be judged in your presence. Strike them with terror, Lord; let the nations know they are only mortal. (Psalm 9:7-20 NIV)

Fat Fasting, running, and some other neglected stuff...

Oomph. I have been WAAAYYYY too lazy this winter. Oh, it's spring? You almost wouldn't know it. This morning I had to wear my heavier coat, gloves, AND carry an umbrella! What's up with that?

So, about the lazy part...Yeah. It's not like I did nothing productive this winter, but I have to admit that I was pretty mentally beat up after deciding NOT to do a marathon last fall. Don't get me wrong - I loved doing the Mighty Niagara Half Marathon with our Run For God team, and though it wasn't my best half-marathon time, I enjoyed running the race. And that's what it's supposed to be about, right?

But the mental (or maybe I should say emotional) breakdown happened somewhere in early September, I think it was. I went out for what was supposed to be a simple 5 mile run (which sounds laughable, but when you train for a marathon, a 5-miler really isn't the biggest of your worries), and I got about 2 miles in, and had to stop. My feet were killing me (which hadn't happened at all once I started running "barefoot"/natural), my calves were cramping, and I couldn't get my breath. I walked the next 3 miles (I had to get home, after all), and for the next 5 months, basically did nothing running wise (especially once the Mighty Niagara HM was over), and beat myself up emotionally because I couldn't complete the training.

So, Thanksgiving comes, and then Christmas, and New Years, etc. And the scale has been slowly creeping up on me, and I feel even more sorry for myself.

So along comes January and February and my friends Brian and Jack start planning the next Run For God session, and I have to admit, as good as I knew it was for our community, and our fellow believers, I didn't want to do it. Yep, I said it. I have put on about 30 pounds (yep, putting it all out there today, boy...) and I feel like a slug. I can't even run 2 miles anymore without feeling dizzy and out of breath. What makes me qualified to help other people NOT feel like I am feeling?

Well, "Too bad," God said. "Get out there and do it."

So, we've been into the RFG session for 4 weeks now, and I admittedly have not changed my habits much. Still eating the wrong foods (for me), staying up late, not running (though that is changing), and generally being lazy in my personal and Christian life.

But I am taking steps, starting today:

1. When I first started to lose weight a few years ago (2007?) the blogging helped me stay on track, partially because I felt accountable to the 2 or 3 people who actually read this (thanks y'all!). So expect a few blog posts a week.

2. I am GOING to MAKE A HABIT of running. It won't be fast, right away anyway. But I WILL do it. I am accountable to a group of people who for some reason look to me as a leader. God has put me in a position to do this, so I need to step up, be a man of God, and DO IT!

3. Today I am starting something called a "fat fast". I am hoping it will give me a jump start into dropping those pounds I put on over the fall and winter. If you are a low-carber (like I should, and NEED, to be), the concept may seem familiar. Basically, I am reducing my calorie intake for 5 days (between 1000-1200), and trying to make 90% of those calories come from fat. I am sure that will seem crazy to a lot of you, but the research is there that HIGH fat, MODERATE protein, LOW carb lifestyles WORK! I hope to share some of the research that is out there in this blog. Anyway, after those 5 days, I go to 2 days of an "induction-level" plan. Again, this is going to be familiar to low carbers, but it's basically NOT calorie restricted, but still stays under 20 net carbohydrates a day. You cycle this a few times, and then go back to your "regular" low carb plan. The fat fast is going to be tough, but again...man up, right?

4. Bible Study and reading - I have been VERY negligent in this. Agree with me or not, but I know that I need to do it. The YouVersion Bible app has tons of study plans, and I plan on starting that today.

5. Family time - this most recent spring break brought sickness, cold days, and maybe 1 day of nice weather...I wish that everyone (including myself) had felt like getting out more, but it didn't happen. I want to get outside, and we are ALL eagerly anticipating getting out of our doldrums, getting out of the house, and having some good family time. We can't until we can get camping, either...

So those are the steps. I am sure there will be some stumbles...but I want to quote a verse on that subject...RFG'ers will hopefully recognize it.

"...for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes." (Proverbs 24:16)

Man have I fallen...but hopefully with God's help, I can rise again.